Hi From KL

I am in Kuala Lumpur with Hub. Our interview at the American Embassy took less than 3 minutes. We took a 2 1/2 hours flight here.

"You two are husband and wife?"
"Yes"
"What do you do Sir?"
"I'm a (blahblah)."
"What firm?"
"(blah)"
"And you?"
"I'm a homemaker...but I was...a banker.." (waste of words for he already started on the next questions)
"How many kids? Where are they?"
"(blahblah)", I replied.
"You are going to the States for ONE month? One month? That's a long time. What will you do there for a month?"
("Er, work as a maid, a fruit picker, dish washer? nanny? pole dancer?" Wild thoughts) "Travel, travel with my daughter." (Grinned, tried to look humble, ignorant and innocent)
"Any friends, relatives, in the US?"
And so on. Anyway, he told us that our visas were approved but can only be picked up the next afternoon. Please, I said, can we have it same day? Sorry, NO. (All US Embassy staff and Immigration people--the Americans, not the locals--have that same polite standoffish no-nonsense attitude, have you noticed.) Aiya, how come the Americans are working like Malaysians? So slow one. My daughter got her visa approved on the spot  right after her interview in Shanghai.

Anyway, getting a visa to visit the States is not that hard. They don't ask for proof of financial competence or other documents but it's best to bring, just in case. Also, make sure to bring an extra photo. For those of us who have to travel to KL for the interview, it is inconvenient and costly. For once, I wished I was Bruneian or Singaporean. They are exempted from visas to most countries.

We received a few calls from friends about reports of our daughter's latest art installation in several local newspapers. We will be back tonight but here's a clip from Shanghai's English TV channel. ICS. Notice that they made several mistakes. My daughter's Malaysian, not Indonesian and she's been in SH nearly 11 months, not 1 1/2 years. Finally, she's going to a conference in the States, not a workshop. And yes, that's Doo Ma in the video. 89 years old and very cool.

e.g. Conference

After my daughter's Yao Ming portrait video went viral on Youtube, she received many offers. The two I liked best were an invitation to exhibit her art, along with other young artists, in Casa Batlo, Barcelona, and the other was to participate in e.g. Conference in Monterey, California in April this year. After checking e.g.'s site, I told Yi that the e.g. invite could be a hoax. The people invited to speak, and the people who attend, are renowned astronauts, scientists, musicians, explorists, writers, people from Ivy League schools. In e.g.'s words, " EG convenes 500 of the most extraordinary talents from an rich array of fields: artists, scientists, educators, entrepreneurs, entertainers; Oscars, Nobels, Pulitzers, MacArthur laureates; rising stars, and living national treasures.  I told Yi that maybe she was asked to attend or help in workshops.

Then Mike Hawley, an MIT professor and one of those left and right brainers, called to tell her last month to inform her that she is to be one of the presenters at the conference. She can speak on any topic, 20 minutes being the max time given for any speaker. There will be 50 to 60 other presenters plus hundreds people from around the world attending the conference. Yi will speak on 14th April morning, so if any of you are interested, do sign up at e.g.'s website. The fee is not cheap but you are going to hear extraordinary ideas and network with top industry people. Here's a description of the conference:

EG is the premiere gathering of and for innovators in media, technology, entertainment and education. The conference explores our most creative enterprises, by engaging a gifted mix of people — from rising stars to
living national treasures, the people who attend EG are among the most industrious and iconoclastic talents of our time.

If you want to out-think or out-create your competition, you need more
than fresh ideas: you need individuals and teams who are driven to
develop them. EG overflows with these exemplars.

I thought it was so great I want to attend every one.

Steve Wozniak, Apple co-founder

e.g. has found a sponsor who is paying all expenses for two of us. Other than the chance of visiting the pacific coast of the US, which is gorgeous, I will also have the intimidating privilege of rubbing with the the top brainy and talented people of America and the world. I'll think about who to present myself as when I get to Monterey. Home maker I think.

As I sat in my car today waiting for my son to pick up his SPM results from his school, feeling anxious and unhappy, this thought came to me. I think God in His wisdom gave me both types of kids--the easy and the hard--so that I can empathise with others. Many people tell me that they envy me because of Yi. Yi is one kid. They don't know what else I go through as a mom. When friends tell me about their struggles with their kids, I truly understand because I've been there. The highs and the lowest lows. The people I can't stand are those who ask their kids when they score 80, 90% and above in their exams, "Why can't you score 100%?!" What ungrateful parents! These people just haven't been there. Some of us just ask for passing grades.

Wey passed SPM. He didn't do well. But I am hopeful.

Yi's profile on e.g.:

6

Red (aka Hong Yi)Architect and Unconventional Artist

BIOGRAPHYPHOTOSNEXT >< PREV

Red grew up in Sabah on the beautiful tropical island of Borneo. She dreamt of becoming a cartoon animator and Lion King is still her favourite cartoon.

Red’s paintings of Yao Ming, painted with a basketball for a brush, and Jay Chou using coffee and a cup, were Youtube hits, giving her 15 seconds of fame on CNN, ABC, Gizmodo and other media around the world. Her previous work includes portraits of Ai Weiwei using 100,000 sunflower seeds and Justin Bieber using gochujang (Korean chilli paste). Red is currently experimenting with unconventional materials and exploring structural design principles for her next projects.

Red holds two degrees from the University of Melbourne (Architecture; and Planning and Design). She was awarded a Melbourne Abroad Scholarship to study at the Technical University of Delft in the Netherlands, which broadened her perspective and exposure in the field of European architecture.

An Australian national finalist in the SONA Superstudio competition in 2009 and 2010, she was given Jury Special Mention and awarded the Elenberg Fraser Prize for Best Presentation in both years. She also received Special Mention for the AA Prize for Unbuilt Works 2010, and featured in the Jan/Feb 2011 issue of Architecture Australia Magazine.

She is currently working in the Shanghai offices of HASSELL, an established Australian architecture firm. She absolutely enjoys being an architect by day and an artist by twilight.

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Happy Mother's Day!

Wey came to my bed an hour ago with a breakfast tray. What is it about breakfast in bed on Mother's Day? It just melts me and makes me happy to be a mom!


"The milk has gone bad, there's no juice and I can't find the maple syrup. If I could drive, I would shop and make you a better breakfast."  The pancakes were soft  and fluffy, the egg perfect and the nutella and jam a nice change from maple syrup. And I love the scented rose from our garden. Wey, this is the best breakfast ever.

My two older kids used to compete with each other to make Mother's Day breakfast for me. One year one of them made bacon n eggs with toast and the other instant noodles. I had to eat everything. Both older kids haven't been around for Mother's Day for many years. Yi has lived and studied in Australia the last 7 years and left last Friday to start work in the Shanghai branch of Australia's largest architecture firm while Ming is studying in Australia. I miss them but hey I have my Wey.

Motherhood is bittersweet but I won't complain today.

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Another Bird Flies Off

I don't know if anyone noticed, except for V from Melbourne, that about 3 weeks ago my posts were not as regular. Actually if not for scheduled posts, I probably wouldn't have any for nearly 2 weeks right after I came back from Hong Kong. Something happened and I snapped. I had to seek refuge in my mom's house as I felt so misunderstood and undermined. For the 4 days that I was there,I was strangely able to sleep really well (okay, some tears in the beginning) but when at last I was ready to go home again, I realised that in those 4 days, I was totally free for the first time since I married. I wasn't anybody's mom (so okay, I still did the school run for Wey--we were very nice to each other, he was more compliant, I was more patient) or anybody's wife. It reminded me of Professor Ackerman, a dear man who was very good to me, who told me not to go home to Malaysia and just be "Somebody's daughter, somebody's wife, somebody's mother. You have to be yourself." Of course I was myself for a number of years. And then I was and am everything he told me not to be.

Just in case you think, oh-oh, family crisis, I'm glad to report that it was just one of those days. Of course this time I did the drama queen thing and ran off. But you know, I really now think that if we need to, we have to go away for a while when it's too hard.

How many of you feel that you are the bad guy in the family? My kids seem to love their father more. He doesn't see their coming home late, or their leaving empty plates in the fridge or their poor conduct or tests results or their lies. He only sees their telephone bills. Most of all, I see their misbehavior and he sees "They are just boys." That's when it gets really hard for me.

Yet in the last few days, I sort of wished I parented like my husband. You see, Ming's going off to Melbourne next Friday to start college. And you guessed it--I'm filled with regret over our fights and misunderstandings and all those angry times. The Chinese say if you don't get along with someone, you have negative energy with each other and that's called "Chung". But only someone who has been through what I have will know that inside, I love the fella to death, and that I want more than anything for him to grow up okay and happy and that's why I take the hard road. It would've been easier to look the other way sometimes, but I am always fearful of the bible verse "Spare the rod and spoil the child." But of course in my case I think I got into a habit and was overboard many times. I guess I just don't understand boys.

And as this tear now rolls down my cheek, I repent for all those times I hurt Ming. I wish I could turn back time.

And thanks, Yi & YO, for being there for me. I'm not sure about publishing this post. It's really from my heart. But if any of you have similar situations, I hope you somehow work it out before it's too late. Love never fails 1 Cor 13:8 .(1 Cor 13:3 : Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.)

The Real Bullies

After an incident with the discipline teacher when she was in Form 3 (Grade 9), my daughter begged me to transfer her to another school. She said she's had enough of Chinese-type schools where students had no say and teachers get into a rage over small things like the color of your hairband. I did transfer her because I was confident she'd do well in any school (she was an all-rounder good academically and athletically), and she told me years later, when she was in university, that that was the best thing I did for her, because those two years in 'A '(an 'English' school) were her happiest school years. To me, 'A' was a little too liberal. Teachers and students were truly like friends.

The incident with the discipline teacher was really a small thing. The school's rule was that students are to be in their uniforms at all times except for sports. One day after sports, they asked the art teacher's permission to keep their T shirts on until after art class, to which their teacher agreed. Some of them went to the water fountain and were 'caught' by the discipline master who then lined them up and started shouting at them. Yi stepped out of the line and informed the teacher that they had the art teacher's permission. Typical of an authoritarian with a super ego, the discipline teacher declared that Yi had challenged his authority by speaking up, and imposed demerit points for all the students. If this is not a clear case of intimidation I don't know what else to call it. Long story short, I didn't step in and Yi made her own arrangements to leave school. It was October, a month from the end of the school year. When she got into my car after meeting with the principal, Mr T, to get her school-leaving certificate, she burst into frustrated tears. The principal was insulted that she dared leave the 'top' school for a school like 'A', and warned her that if she goes to 'A' she'll never be a person of anything because only students from his school will excel in life! This, from a principal of what most people think is a top school! I was upset but I had never been the type to barge into the principal's office about everything although looking back I should have. Two years later, we got our sweet revenge when Yi was one of the top 3 scorers in 'A', mentioned in the local papers for scoring 10As in her SPM (at that time nobody here knew about sitting for 16 subjects).

So you see, I was not exactly the type of parent who wagged a finger at the teachers all the time. Recently, my friend F told me that when her daughter was hit on the head by a teacher, she had gone to the principal and told him that 'if the teacher ever ever touch my daughter again, I will slap her in front of the class!" I thought "Wow, cat woman, a real fighter!" But you know what, recent happenings at Wey's school has made me resolved that that's what I'll do too if they ever hit my child. (Not slap the teacher, but I'd threaten to do so.)

At SF where my boys spent their primary years, I have heard of many cases where parents made trouble for the teachers over disciplining of their kids. The main reason for the parents' bigger presence (than other schools) was that SF was a private school and parents were usually more educated and thus more vocal. Contrary to what most people think, kids at SF are very polite and well-mannered. When I went to the school, I would always be greeted by the students and the teachers but when I went to the government Chinese-type schools (which erroneously are famed for raising well-mannered kids who in reality are being raised as a bunch of suppressed rebels because they aren't allowed to speak up), the students never greeted me, and worse, the teachers too. Yet most people have the opinion that the non-English type of schools are doing a better job disciplining the kids. To me, those schools are not disciplining, they are controlling the kids. Discipline involves teaching and correcting. Point again? Oh yes, my point was I tried my best to let the schools do their job and not meddle in anything, not even when Ming was made to kneel in the corridor with his schoolbag on his head in Form 4 (Grade 10) and even punched by a teacher at one point (correction: he was caned instead, in Form 3, for failing his Chinese. The teacher apologized when he found out that Ming came from a non-Chinese school). I felt that schools are having a hard time with kids and parents should be supportive of the schools. The old me used to think that parents like F are trouble-makers who are too defensive of their precious kids. That was me then.

Me right this minute is very troubled. There have been two clear cases of bullying by a certain teacher in my son's class. In last Wednesday's incident, a boy (Form 2, 13 years old) was talking to his friend when the teacher was teaching. She flew into a big rage, went over to the boy and struck at him but he held out his arm against his face to defend himself. Since she didn't manage to slap him, she grabbed his hair and banged his head on his desk, then slammed his head against the wall. And we wonder why kids are getting more violent! Later, some of the boy's classmates encouraged him to tell his parents but the boy said (listen, parents!) his parents aren't the type who'd come to his defense. Come on parents, talk to your kids! The real bullies are the teachers, especially in this country where the Education Dept is never on the parents' side. Take the case of the kid who collapsed last month and was left unattended for an hour until his parents came, and it was too late when they took him to the hospital. The education people actually defended the school by saying it did right because no one knew if it was safe to apply first aid. Excuse me, he passed out. He wasn't bleeding. For one hour he was on the floor, totally unattended to.

Two days ago, the same teacher again flew into a rage. She was upset that another boy didn't do his work and was walking around/talking (I need to confirm this) so she went to him and pinched him hard, then scolded him while wagging a finger at his mouth, screaming at him and calling him "Kurang ajar!" over and over again because he had replied that he didn't know he was to do that much work. Suddenly, the boy, like her, lost it and slammed his fist on the table. Long story short, the discipline master and form teacher were called in, the boy hauled into the office for some interrogation (and confession I suppose) and yesterday the parents were called in and told the son had been given a 'black mark' (3 black marks and you are expelled). Wey said some of them spoke up in defence of their classmate but their form teacher not only was biased, she said it was good that the teacher pinched the boy because he deserved it. And when they told her about last Wed's incident, she said so what, that was last week. As Wey vented his frustrations, these things came to my mind: that these aren't dumb kids, they knew their rights, so they were angry and frustrated with unfair treatment by the powers in charge who use humiliation, intimidation, condemnation and finally, dismissal from school to keep them under control instead of kindness, understanding and mutual respect. Students can't respect teachers who don't deserve it.

So the teacher can loose control but not a kid who's 30 odd years younger? And she can lie that she didn't touch the boy when the whole class of 50 saw it?(Another teacher also blatantly lied about another incident, and my son wondered to me how a teacher can so unashamedly lie to the whole class). Is that the example to the kids, that teachers can lie and get away with it? What kind of kids are they raising who aren't allowed to speak up? What is the message to these kids? That teachers can be violent and out of control but not the students, that teachers can lie to save their asses, that teachers can preach but not lead by example? If anything, the kids now totally do not respect this teacher. All she has is tyrannic control, not respect. If I was the teacher, I would earn respect by apologising for loosing my temper and ask that the black mark be deleted. We all know teachers are human and it isn't easy to teach a large class of unruly kids. But kids will be kids and they will make more mistakes than adults (ideally) and if it isn't really life-threatening and treacherous (you know what I mean), there's no need to take these incidents to such limits. My Hub, when I told him about this, remember being pinched by a 'Teacher Wong'. But Hub said he has deep respect for this teacher because while he pinched, he never did it out of anger. It was his method for reprimanding students who didn't do their homework, and he did it in half-jest. Hub's opinion is sometimes teachers can cane the primary-level kids lightly, not as a punishment, but to correct, and never to be done in anger. This was Teacher Wong's way, firm yet loving, and that's why the students never took his punishment negatively. I however think that teachers are not to punish kids physically, because many of them are just half-crazed egotistical tyrants who can't and won't control themselves.

Parents, please talk to your kids and assure them that you will always be on their side (provided they are right), and that they are to tell you if their teachers ever are mean to them. (I have deleted part of this article bc I don't want to attract any legal action, not by the school but by the parents against the school. Case closed) I want to urge parents to know their rights and not let teachers get away with such crimes. If we continue to accept these practices, these teachers will never change. The whole system works against kids whose parents aren't well-informed or assertive about their rights. However, I must tell you that there are good teachers in the school too. I was driving out of the school compound one day last month when I saw, away in a corner near the teacher's car park, a female student crying on her teacher's shoulder and the teacher hugging and comforting her. It moved me to tears, especially since a suicide had just taken place a week or so before that, and I really want to uphold that teacher, Teacher M.Yap. If I was a teacher, I'd want to be the type whom the troubled kids want to run to.

I chose this school for Wey and Ming because I find the principal a very approachable, encouraging and humble person. Unfortunately many of his teachers are not like him. The fact that this is the same school where a boy jumped to his death last month because he was accused of cheating in his exams makes these incidents even more troubling. Some of you may have read my post on the suicide before I took it off, because I felt it was too tragic and out of respect for the family, I felt I shouldn't write about it. But today I'm writing this post because as I had pointed out in that deleted post, while I do not blame the school for the suicide, I had asked that the school be kinder to students (I talked to someone 'higher up' in the school) and adopt a better discipline system so that this boy's death will not be in vain. It looks like the school's not learnt anything from that tragedy.

p.s. I would love to hear from you, parents, students and teachers.

Teachers As Barbers

I had been feeling uneasy about Wey since school started because he never seemed to have any homework whereas I'm told some kids stay up till midnight to finish up HW. The second I left my car, I bumped into S, Wey's disciplinary teacher and he said, "Oh, Khang tai, your son's been hauled off this morning for a No.2 cut" "What?? That'great! Why didn't you give him a No.1??" (I almost called him "Comrade", you know how in China you get No.2 hospital or No.5 school). He looked at me, drew back, and said "You support us in this? Some parents get upset!" Why should I get upset when I've been nagging him to cut his hair shorter. And the school is only charging RM10/US$3.

He walked around the house last night with a towel around his head. He said his classmates are calling him 'monk'. I call him 'botak'. I've always quoted my friend Linda, "If mom and Dad can't teach you, let the authorities teach."

P.S. It is a funny scene at pick-up time in Wey's school. Monks playing basketball. Monks throwing out the thrash. Monks crossing the road. Wey said, deadpan, his classmates are greeting him with "Ami tofo" (amitabh). He's one of 4 in a class of 50 who had his head shaved. Although I support the teachers (and he told me its not the teachers who do the cutting, they brought in a barber), I was quite upset to see that there's a No. 3 haircut, a longer and less severe hairstyle. Shouldn't all 'offenders' get the same punishment, especially for 1st timers like Wey? SM Kian Kok, I am disappointed.

Temper Tantrums

Oh, these video clips are so funny! I'm sure every parent will sympathize and understand. Personally, I'm relieved my kids are beyond that now. I felt very stressed watching the first clip, and I am happy for the patient father that his son didn't turn out to be a monster. If it was my kid, I'd have tied him to a tree! (Looking at the video again, I think he just wanted his shoes back on.) Thank goodness we live in a country where parents have some authority!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK6icPodjaA


Of my three kids, only Wey (the youngest) had 'blackmail tantrums'. One day when he was about 3 or 4, he hammered his head on the floor when he didn't get what he wanted. I responded by doing something influenced by my friend K's story about how her grandma suddenly stabbed her fingers at her son's (ie K's uncle) eyes when he was young because he had a habit of blinking rapidly when he talked. Grandma's stabbing stopped the blinking pronto! I'm not condoning her, but it worked. And it is funny if you imagine it. The older generation sure had effective parenting skills.

With Wey what I did when he banged his head was, I grabbed his hair and banged his head for him. Just 3 or 4 times. I then walked away as he cried in surprise and anger. When he did it the second time a few days later, bashing his head on the wall this time, I did the same thing to him and walked away. He never repeated that behavior again. People widen their eyes and tell me I'm cruel when I share this but hey, this is when you've got to be cruel to be kind. And it's tougher as a parent to say "No" than "Yes" but I always tell myself: discipline them now or suffer later.

When Ming was 16, he and I had the worst year of our lives! At least it was for me as a mother. It culminated last year when we fought so much over boundaries, rules, his playing of computer games etc that he started hanging out late with his friends. I know these friends and they are good boys so I wasn't truly worried but at the same time, I was upset when he started coming home at one or two am whenever we had a fight. One day I was so distraught I chose not to go for Sunday service and stayed home alone to pray. I also read James Dobson's Parenting Is Not For Cowards, and one problem he dealt with was kids breaking curfew time. If you have never read his books, I'll inform you that Dr Dobson has always been a promulgator of the disciplining of children, having written a widely-read and acclaimed book called 'Dare To Discipline'.

That Sunday, by 10.30 pm when Ming still wasn't home, I called him on his mobile and told him calmly that if he broke his curfew time of 11:30 pm, I would lock the door. He said he had the house keys. I informed him that I'd put in new locks and he can stay at Sean's or in the cars. He came home on time ever since. I think the difference was I said it so calmly and firmly instead of my usual ranting and raving. Plus I really meant what I said. And I fully agree with Dr Dobson that as long as our kids are living with us, they have to abide by our rules.

With Yi, it's always been easy because here's a girl who's kind, loving, understanding, obedient, God-loving, gosh, she's just wonderful. But I still had to discipline her. I slapped her one day when she was rude to me. She ran from the kitchen up to her room and slammed the door. I was still shaking with shame and regret when, true to her nature, she came down only 20 minutes later and apologised, repented, and we cried together. Her behavior was amazing, because she was 18. How many 18 year-olds can accept that kind of discipline?

I know I seem harsh. But I never want to be in a position like one of my friends whose daughter threatened to cut her wrist because her parents tried to stop her from going with her boyfriend of a different religion. They not only gave in to her, they allowed the boy to move in with them!

How have you coped as a parent?

For those who haven't yet have kids, the next clip gives the ultimate advice. Now we know why the population growth in European countries is negative :)

Nothing For Dinner Anyway

The last 10 days were stressful for me as I helped Wey through his final exams. Sure, he's in Form One (grade 7) so what's the big deal. Well, he has about 10 subjects (English, Math, Science, Bahasa Malaysia, History, Geography, Kemahiran Hidup (Life Skills), Civics, Computer and Art). All but the first three are in Bahasa Malaysia, our national language which, if you don't speak at home, will be a toughie to master even though it really is an easy language to learn. If he doesn't do well, Wey may have to attend a month of extra tutoring during the upcoming school holidays and re-sit the remedial exam or face staying back in Form One. Chances are he'll have to stay back for remedial classes since he didn't do homework and assignments which account for half of the final exam marks. There goes our plan to spend a month or two together with Yi in Australia.

I was so upset (an understatement) with Wey when I found out that he's lost some of his textbooks for the 3rd or 4th time, and also lost most of his workbooks for the whole year, that I didn't give him dinner because food is all he cares about. He happily made half a dozen of grilled cheese sandwiches himself, defiantly tilting his head in a way that said "So what!" as he walked out the kitchen. That reminded me of the last time (last year) I said "No dinner for you!" and this was what he put on my door*:



Hmph!

*My daughter used to tell me what she thought of me when she was 8 or 9 by tapeing messages on my wardrobe door. I would reply her likewise. I won't embarass her here. Middle child is the only one who never wrote me messages--he just socks it to me when he's mad with me.

Note: Wey was doing his History project just now and we talked about his accomplishments so far. He reminded me that he was his class' 'Best Improved Student' last year, a feat I've totally forgotten.

Good thing Wey doesn't read my blog.

My Boys

Meeting the frustrated discipline master (solution: act more upset than him). Skipping tuition to play at the cybercafe (I tell the cyber people I'm calling the police and walk out before child disowns me). Calls from the tennis coach (tip: as per discipline master). Juice cartons in bed (stop buying). Empty plates, in the fridge (throw a fit!). Missing things (ground everybody, including Hubby!). Dirty clothes, outside the laundry basket (let them rot). Red marks on report cards (threaten boarding school. May backfire. "Really, mom? When do I go?!"). Compliments on my cooking (all's forgiven).

My favorite shampoo and shower gels gone (switch the bottles; they'll end up with mine which is really meant for them). Never coming home on time (let him sleep in the car. Works). Gruff "Good Morning" and reluctant "Hi mom."(make him repeat it. In a nice tone too). Using my handphone without permission (haven't found a solution yet). Not coming to dinner because The Simpsons is on (no dinner for him and throw all leftovers). Dirty feet on my beige sofa (switch TV off). 3 seconds shower, 1 nanosecond toothbrushing (let their friends tell them). Not flushing (let them breathe their own mess). Kiss on the cheek, holds my hand in public (love you too!).

There must be more to motherhood than the same reason everybody gives me: God is moulding you through them! Grrr!!